Texts From Last Night: Kingdom Hearts
by live.die.be
Summary: 500ish word drabbles based on texts from TFLN .com. Humor will be the dominating genre. Various pairings. Idea borrowed from Soyna, who wrote TFLN: FFVII. Review? Now bordering the edge of crack. Chapter Fifteen: Good Things Are Happening !ON HIATUS!
1. Oven Mitts

**Disclaimer-** I own nothing.

**Edit-** I realized I have no warning.

**Warning**- Alcohol use/abuse, swearing, innuendo, mentions of drug use/abuse, mentioned yaoi, het, maybe also yuri and if I'm feeling adventurous maybe lemons later on.

**Edit 2- **Now with new and improved grammar! WOOP.

**AN-** These are going to be short drabbles, inspired by textsfromlastnight .com. Which is the best website in the whole damn world. I may also borrow ideas from FML .com. Props to Soyna, I borrowed this idea from her and put a KH twist on it.

**Prompt-** Oven mitts.

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><p>"I'm not sure how to tell you this."<p>

Axel blinked at Demyx with bleary, hungover eyes that didn't make life _nearly_ as interesting as life with beer goggles and couldn't quite comprehend what could be so important to wake him up at such an ungodly hour; In actuality, it was two in the afternoon, but Axel's mind couldn't quite comprehend that either.

"I have an oven mitt I need to return to you tomorrow."

In his hungover stupor, Axel blinked again, in bafflement, wondering why the blond decided to tell him this _now_, and why he couldn't give it back _now_. So he could shut himself in his dark room with a bottle of painkillers.

And vodka. Lots of vodka. Because, well, you know, the cause is the best cure.

"And you didn't bring it back now, why?" Axel asked, a sharp edge to his tone, an Axel before coffee is _not_ a very happy Axel.

Demyx blushed red, up to his ear tips and muttered under his breath, avoiding looking him in the eye at all costs, even if it meant staring at Axel's chocobo print boxers.

"_What_. _What_ did you say?"

"Me and Zexy went back to his room together and I had the oven mitt, because I thought that I needed one, I'm not sure why, I think it had something to do with cookies, and somehow it ended up in the bed while we, well, you know. And now it has...stuff on it," Demyx blurted out, almost to quickly to resemble anything close to English.

_~That explains the hair. _

Axel blinked again, which he noticed seemed to be happening quite often during this conversation, although this time it was to clear the images from his mind.

_~New reason for more vodka._

Maybe it would fry the images out of his brain. The nightly sound effects were bad enough. "You can keep it," He said in a rush, blushing nearly as red as Demyx.

The blond nodded and without further ado, hurried off, probably go wallow in embarassment.

Axel stared after him, grumpy still, although a little amused.

At least, until he realized something.

_~I don't own oven mitts._

The confusion, and hangover were back.

_~I need a drink._

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><p>...Meanwhile, on the other side of the castle, was an equally confused Xemnas, who was in the process of trying to make a cake, to surprise Saix with after he woke up, the blue haired man liked sweets <em>far<em> to much for someone supposed to be an evil Nobody with anger management problems. Although, Vexen did like those awful books, the ones about a sparkly _vampire_, whatever _that_ was, and that girl, Something-Or-Other Goose, _far_ too much for a mad scientist.

The Nobody's of Organization XIII seemed to be a clusterfuck of contradictions.

Take Xemnas for example, highest ranking member of a league of somewhat evil people, baking a cake. Well, trying to, as he was also blinking, and staring at the hook on the wall in the kitchen, where his oven mitts usually hung, and was perplexed to find only one.

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><p><strong>AN-<strong> Bahh. I love TFLN. You people reading this should go look at it. If anyone has a text they know, PM me and I'll see what I can do. I won't accept any given through review. Though, review please?

**Whole text-** I don't know how to tell you this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow.  
>Best. Fucking. Text. <em>Ever<em>.


	2. I Have No Idea

**Disclaimer-** I own nothing.

**AN-** I found these two worked oddly well for this prompt but I'm not sure...

**Prompt-** I have no idea.

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><p>"I have no idea why I said that," Marluxia stated calmly. At least, as calmly as a person who had apparently confessed his undying love to <em>Larxene<em> of all people, the night before.

"Neither can I, I mean _look_ at you! How can you _not_ be gay? You're a fucking fruitcake!"

Roxas gestured distractedly to Marluxia, more focused on keeping his eyes on Larxene, who seemed to be on the cusp of going into a murdering rampage. Specificly on Marluxia, if the glares she was sending his way any indication of who her ire was directed upon.

"I have no idea why anything happened last night," Marluxia's voice grew more desperate, the flowers in the box on the window sill drooping in response to his mood.

Roxas hummed in a way that could be interpreted as agreement or not, not entirely paying attention, but rather wondering when Axel would be back from his current assignment.

Marluxia almost wailed this next statement, looking highly distressed as he turned to the younger Nobody for reassurance of some sort. "I broke the toaster making an egg!"

_That_ got Roxas' attention.

His brows furrowed in thought, he blinked several times and said in a contemplative tone, "So thats why everyone was grumpy this morning. You should really replace that. You know that Xemnas is the only one who can cook anything other than Poptarts and he only cooks for Saix."

The pink haired man pressed a palm to his face, and sighed. "I need to stop drinking."

Roxas nodded wisely, looking up at him with bright blue eyes. "Its highly hazardous to everyone else's health."

Marluxia gaped at him, eyes wide with disbelief. "Your health? What about mine? Larxene's going to kill me!"

"It was bound to happen at some point anyways," Roxas said dismissively. "Now lets go get drunk to celebrate you quitting drinking."

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><p><strong>AN-<strong> Organization XIII is turning into a group of alcoholics in this. I...I don't even know why. Review please?

**Full text**- I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke a toaster cooking an egg. I'm going to stop drinking.


	3. Rabid Squirrels

**Edit- **Whoopsie, forgot the disclaimer.

**Disclaimer-** I own nothing.

**Prompt-** Hypothetical rabid squirrels.

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><p>"Why are you so quiet, do I need to start worrying?" Demyx asked a quieter than normal Axel, who had a contemplative look on his face.<p>

"Hypothetically speaking, what's the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel?" He asked, looking down at his hand, which sported red tooth-like puncture wounds, then looked at Demyx, then back at his hand. "Hypothetically, of course."

"Well..." Demyx paused, licking his lips before glancing down to Axel's hand, grimasing at the bite mark . "Hypothetically speaking, of course...I..." A look of consternation crossed his face. "You know, I don't think there is proper procedure for that."

Axel made a face. "But I need a response for my hypothetical situation."

"In that case...why don't you wait here and I'll go ask the Superior. Just in case the hypothetical squirrel _was_ rabid."

At that a slightly panicked look came across Axel at thoughts of foaming at the mouth and attacking everyone. "Hurry maybe?"

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><p>Walking into the room where the Organization held its meetings, Demyx looked nervous and worried, wringing his hands. He cleared his throat before speaking, "Superior, I believe Axel may have contracted rabies. And...and...neither of us were sure what the proper procedure for a case of rabies is."<p>

A funny look crossed Xemnas' face as he glanced over at Saix. "You haven't bitten anyone recently have you, Saix?"

Saix glared and growled slightly in response and Demyx squeaked oddly. "Saix has rabies?"

"Of course. Why do you think I make all of you get the shots every year?" Xemnas said, giving Demyx another odd look, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

At Deymx's uncomprehending look, he sighed and said, "Send him to Vexen, he'll test him. And then add this to the Book of Emergency Procedures."

The blond nodded, casting a wary glance at Saix as he left.

_~Rabies would explain a lot_.

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><p><strong>AN- <strong>I secretly believe that Saix really is rabid. Review please?

**Original Text- **Hypothetically, whats the response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.


	4. Pigeons

**Disclaimer-** I still own nothing.

**AN-** Random fact about me: I write on my phone. I never write on a computer because the keyboard is so damn loud. I write in ThinkFree Office then email the fic to myself and publish on the computer because the document doesn't work. But still, I write on my phone.

**Prompt-** Pigeons and beer.

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><p>"There is a pigeon on your desk."<p>

The man behind said desk stared at Axel, who had spoken and was standing in front of the desk with Roxas.

"It drinks beer too," he had grey hair, and a drunken slur. He raised a can of beer, as if in a toast, and poured some into the shallow dish near the bird. "Cheers..." he mumbled, looking close to passing out as he swigged the last of the can.

Roxas and Axel exchanged bewildered looks.

"While we probably would fit into society in this world fairly well, I find beer drink birds disconcerting," Roxas stated, staring at the bird, who gave a wobbly warble when she, he, _it_ sensed eyes on itself.

Axel nodded. "Everyone we've seen has been either drunk or unconscious and drunk. Or hungover and drunk. Or high. Or both. Or all four. Doesn't seem very conductive for a functioning city."

"The Organization is like that most days too," Roxas pointed out, recalling more than ten instances in the past month that had not been at all good for productivity.

"My point exactly," Axel snickered, because, really, they didn't seem to be getting much done.

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><p><strong>AN-<strong> Yep. They're really turning into alcoholics. Ahh, well. Please review?

**ALSO-** If it my readers didn't realize what world they're on, they're here. And walked past college dorms. On game day. Pre-gaming anyone? (Oh god I shouldn't know this kind of stuff I'm just a _kid_.)

**Whole text-** At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.


	5. McDonald's Not Allowed

**Disclaimer-** I own nothing.

**AN-** What is this I don't even _know_...

**Prompt-** McDonalds

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><p>"Oh my god."<p>

"I know."

"Oh my _god."_

"I _know_."

"I think I'm in love."

At that Larxene glared at him.

_~Its not that good._

They were on a routine assignment clearing out heartless on the same world where everyone seemed to be inebriated. Though, this time everyone seemed to be depressingly stone cold sober. Having finished the assignment earlier than the time alloted, the two had decided to hang around and waste time until they needed to leave and see what this world had to offer.

And they discovered something amazing, something _beautiful._

McDonalds.

It was the fantasy of anyone who loved fattening food and had no cooking skills to speak of. And not counting Xemnas, that stood for all the Nobodies, Larxene and Marluxia included. Said pink haired man took another spoonful of ice cream and moaned in a way that was far too sexual for eating a damn _ice_ _cream_. At least, that was what Larxene thought.

"This is almost better than sex."

Larxene gave him her best withering glare, but reached over and took a spoonful for herself anyways. Her eyes widened and this time she moaned. "You might be right. Can we stay here? Like, _forever_?"

There was something fairly _wrong_ with the picture of a kunai wielding blonde and a pink scythe wielding assasin sharing an ice cream. With smarties. And chocolate sauce. Or maybe not. Maybe wars should be ended with ice cream instead of treaties and defeated countries.

"We'll ask Xemnas if we can be stationed here permanantly," Marluxia suggested, slightly garbled, he still had the spoonful of ice cream in his mouth. It was a very good idea. This world was a _wonderful_ place.

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><p>"No. Haven't you read the nutritional information for that? Its all sugar and fat. Didn't anyone read the dietary requirement and food pyramid leaflets I had Vexen make?"<p>

"But Superior-" Marluxia tried to protest, holding out another McFlurry.

Xemnas cut him off before he could finish, "Get that out of here."

Marluxia walked out of the room, looking dejected. With a slight pout, he said to Larxene, "They don't allow McDonalds in The World That Never Was."

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><p><strong>AN-<strong> I want a McFlurry. Please review?

**Full Text-** They don't allow Mcdonalds in the ER. Go figure.


	6. Deep Fried & 3 Others

**Disclaimer-** I own nothing.

**AN-** A few drabbles that were too short to merit their own chapters.

**Prompt-** Deep fryed

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><p>It was rather pitiful watching the blond sitarist quite literally chase after Zexion.<p>

Pitiful for Zexion, who seemed on the verge of pulling his lexicon into existance and trapping Demyx within the pages.

Larxene frowned, an uncharacteristic expression on her. "I would rather deep fry my own cock while its still attached to me than have his life."

"...You don't have a dick," Marluxia replyed, with a slightly puzzled, yet deeply disturbed expression.

Larxene grinned in a cruel, mildly sadistic way. "Then I'd fry yours."

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><p><strong>AN-<strong> Ewwww.

**Whole text-** I'd rather deep fry my dick, still attached to my body than have his life.

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><p><strong>AN-<strong> First drabble with characters other than the Organization. I love Yuffie, she was perfect for this. Plus her weapon is a shuriken. Which are fucking awesome, yet sadly illegal here.

**Prompt-** Prized pony

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><p>"You're staring at him again."<p>

At Yuffie's voice, Cloud started, turned and fixed a flat glare on the small ninja.

"I can see why, he does look hot all sweaty and shirtless," Yuffie grinned mischieveously at Cloud who a moment ago had been admiring Leon, who was helping working on restoration efforts in Hollow Bastion.

Cloud's eyes were inadvertantly drawn to said brunet, and he internally agreed with Yuffie that Leon did indeed look good enough to eat.

"You should ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town." Yuffie stated matter of factly.

"...That is by far the worst advice you've ever given me," Wide, surprised blue eyes reguarded her with alarm, at least, until they trailed over to Leon, who was looking just _wonderful_ in the sun. "...Or the best advice ever," The blond admitted this reluctantly.

Yuffie cackled.

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><p><strong>AN-<strong> ...In what situation it that normal to say.

**Whole Text-** you should ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

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><p><strong>AN-<strong> ...I want to live with Organization XIII

**Prompt-** Tied to the fridge

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><p>It seemed that most mornings in Organization XIII seemed to consist of confusion, screaming, and near fatal fights over the last poptart. The week before, Larxene had nearly maimed Luxord with her kunai.<p>

There also seemed to be a disproportionate number of unanswered questions every morning.

Today was no different, as a perplexed Demyx stared at the fridge door, Larxene was threatening Axel in the background. Zexion walked in, and the background chatter quieted slightly as the schemer paused midstep, and _stared._

The slate haired man then glanced around the room at the other nobodies briefly, his lips thinning before his eyes traveled back to the fridge. "...I'd ask why there is a chair tied to the fridge," Zexion paused, for dramatic effect, of course, and he finished his statement with a mildly distainful tone. "But I don't think anyone knows the answer."

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><p><strong>Whole text-<strong> i would ask why there is a chair tied to the fridge but I don't think anyone knows the answer.


	7. Cocaine Tuesday's

**AN-** I suppose I should say that I'm not advocating drug use. Or alcohol abuse. Err. I'm not advocating the use of drugs. Or the abuse of alcohol. At least, not on a regular basis. *cough*

**Prompt-** Cocaine Tuesday's

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><p>"All in favor of the notion, say 'aye', and raise your left hand," the question of 'why the left hand', would remain unanswered.<p>

The vote seemed to be unanimous, as the rest of the nobodies glanced around the table, everyone else had said aye, and raised their left hands. The Organization could be a democracy, when Xemnas wasn't feeling like a communist dictator; which wasn't very often at all. Well, seemed to be unanimous, except for Zexion, who looked exasperated and faintly annoyed.

Xemnas glared at him and gestured toward his hand. "I want a unanimous vote, Zexion. Raise your hand and say 'aye', or I'll sick Saix on you," or, perhaps not as democratic as it seemed, if this was how he managed to sway the majority of the members to vote in his favor.

At the threat, Demyx squeaked oddly and leaned over to whisper hurriedly in Zexion's ear. "Don't let him sick Saix on you! Saix has rabies! Raise your hand!" He wasn't very inconspicuous, and he sounded a little desperate, as his eyes kept flicking over to Saix, who seemed to be glowering at them. Well, at least that was one step better than growling. Growling was the step before attacking. And no one wanted that.

Zexion sighed, and fixed a flat stare on Xemnas, then looked around to all the organization members in turn. "Am I really the only one who thinks that Cocaine Tuesday's are a bad idea?"

The other thirteen members looked to their neighbors, as if in question, and shrugged as a group, and nodded. Xemans nodded too, a satisfied look on his face as he pounded the gavel. "Its looks like you are the minority, Zexion. The decision has been made, Cocaine Tuesday's start next week. If you don't want to participate, I'm sure we can find you some sort of difficult mission to keep you occupied all day."

Zexion put his face in his hand and sighed.

_~Is this really what the world is coming to?_

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><p><strong>AN-<strong> Why is it called a _gavel_? Why not a hammer? Or a mallet? Review please?

**Whole Text-** am i really the only one who thinks cocaine tuesdays are a bad idea?


	8. Not Drinking for a Week

**AN-** Please note that I have no idea where this is going, and I have the attention span of a mouse. That said, I am having fun with this and going by how quickly I'm writing right now, I'll update everyday, maybe twice a day if I'm feeling particularly inspired.

**Prompt-** No drinking for a week

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><p>Retching was the soundtrack playing in Roxas' room. To be a little more specific, Axel's retching, in the bathroom, and the noise wasn't muffled nearly as much as it should have been by the closed door.<p>

Someone needed to talk to Xemnas about getting some soundproofing. There were several, _very_ valid reasons. Such as, the things one hears in the middle of the night. Things a person _never _wanted to hear.

_~That's nauseating._

Roxas voiced this thought aloud and Axel chuckled weakly from the bathroom.

"Try being me." He called out and Roxas grimased, pressing his lips together tightly, taking on a slightly green tinge to his pallor. The sound of water running inside the bathroom, likely Axel washing his mouth out, came through the door.

Shortly after the water stopped, Axel flopped down on the bed next to Roxas, buried his face in a pillow and moaned dramatically. "We're not drinking for a week!" He had a tendancy to be a bit of a drama queen and overexaggerate.

"...If by not, you mean that we are, and by week, you mean tonight, then I'm in," Was Roxas' reply, one hand pressed to his forehead, mentally cursing whatever had made them think that trying to out drink the other had been a good idea. And what had made playing shot-for-shot with actual shots seem attractive...

"It's a deal," Axel said dryly, still looking fairly green, and feeling like a bottle of beer would definately be the _only_ thing that would help his hangover. Because food was too much effort. All that _chewing_ and _moving_.

"No drinking games?" Roxas inquired curiously.

"Absolutely none."

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><p><strong>AN-<strong> Alcoholics, the lot of 'em. Review please? And PM me if you have a text you like, I'll see if I can work with it.

**Whole Text-** no drinking for a week

if by week you mean tonight and by no you mean yes


	9. Fireworks

**Disclaimer-** I own nothing.

**AN-** Lol. I have othing other to say. Well, not really. Three drabbles in one day. Huh.

**Prompt-** Fireworks.

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><p>"I don't think you should let him drink off world again," Roxas suggested to a decidedly put upon looking Zexion, who was rubbing his forehead and frowning.<p>

"I can't supervise him _all_ the time," the slate haired man pointed out, casting a not at all wholehearted glare at the passed out blond on his bed.

"Well you can't just let him wander off like that again, it would have been a _disaster_."

Zexion frowned, facepalming and sighing in an annoyed way. "I know."

"He tried to eat fireworks to keep from being hungover the next day! There's no logic in that. Not that he's very logical when he's sober on a good day, but still..."

"I _know_ Roxas," Zexion sighed again, mentally cursing whoever was up there, watching this conversation and made a note in his mind to keep Demyx away from dangerous substances when he was drunk. And Vexen's lab. Definately keep him away from Vexen's lab. Lots of dangerous substances there. And Vexen might use him as a guinea pig for some sort of _new _dangerous substance which would be even worse.

Roxas glanced over at Demyx, who passed out cold on the bed, drooling on the pillow. How flattering. He slept like Axel did. With a sudden burst of insight, he suggested, "Why don't you handcuff somewhere?"

"Perhaps," Zexion replied reluctantly, although the idea had merit, he couldn't help but think of other, far better, and kinkier uses for handcuffs. Involving himself, and Demyx. The blond handcuffed to the bed. Naked.

Maybe the handcuffs weren't such a good idea after all, Demyx might get ideas. Although, that might not be a bad thing...

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><p><strong>AN-<strong> Cuz baby you're a firework, c'mon let your colors burst- Oh. What. I don't listen to Katy Perry. The prompt made it an earworm. Damn those earworms...

**Whole text-** he tried to eat fireworks, to stop him from being hungover in the morning. Where do you find these people?


	10. Hurricane Judgement & One Other

**Disclaimer-** I own nothing.

**AN-** Apt analogy for judgement. Again, a few drabbles too short to merit their own chapters. Err. More like two. Blahh. I'm feeling sleepy and lathargic today. Don't expect anything else until tomorrow.

**Prompt-** Hurricane judgement

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><p>"I <em>still<em> can't believe I did that," Marluxia said, looking highly disturbed. The pink haired man was sprawled out on the sofa next to Larxene, who had a chocolate bar sticking out of her mouth, and was in the process of sharpening her nails to needle points.

"I can, you're a weird, touchly feely, lets-talk-about-our-feelings drunk. Its creepy," Larxene replied.

"But- but- Vexen of all people!"

"When you put it like that its even creepier. Maybe it was just a moment of clouded judgement."

Marluxia snorted. "My judgement was not 'clouded'. My judgement was in the middle of a fucking hurricane," he paused, blinked several times, and lamented, "Or something equally ridiculous."

* * *

><p><strong>Whole text-<strong> My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.

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><p><strong>Prompt-<strong> Soundproofing

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><p>Axel and Roxas were fairly confused to enter the kitchen and have every person glare at them exhastedly. Larxene opened her mouth to say something, probably make some sort of snide comment, and was cut off with a yawn. Which sparked a round of yawning from any of the nobodies who had been watching her.<p>

Whoever said yawns weren't contaigous really had no idea what they were talking about. Or had some sort of inexplicable immunity.

A rather haggard appearing Luxord, with dark circles under his eyes, who had been the only one not caught in the compulsive yawning stepped forward, holding out and envelope. "We all chipped in to pay for soundproofing your room. This is getting ridiculous."

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><p><strong>Whole text-<strong> The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.


	11. Herpes and Sympathies

**Disclaimer-** I own nothing.

**AN-** I'm really not sure about this one, but I'll post it anyways. Its not exactly funny, but more like...I'm really not sure what. I was watching Arthur (The kids cartoon.) when I wrote this. Such a bizarre contrast. THEY'RE ALL SO INNOCENT.

**Prompt-** Herpes and sympathies

* * *

><p>"You know...It's really too bad," her voice was the sickly sweet of <em>fake<em>.

When Kairi says something like this, your first instinct should either be _run_, or _what_ in the fucking _hells_ is she talking about.

Riku's reaction was the latter. "What the _hell?" h_e sounded confused, and irritated. He'd been busy angsting and watching the sunset. It was so like Kairi to disturb him.

"She seemed like such a nice girl...I guess you really never know a person," Kairi said this with a vaugely nostalgic tone that was all bitch.

"What are you talking about?" Riku asked, turning to Kairi who was perched on a branch in the paopo tree above him.

"Why, Alison* of course," Kairi gave him a wicked grin that was nine parts vindictive, one part almost pitying. _Almost._

"What about Alison?" When Riku replied, he spoke slowly, as if Kairi was a strange, possibly dangerous species of red feathered bird you needed to keep calm, lest she attack you. And that was as good an analogy as any.

"Well...I know you slept with her..." Kairi said in a singsong voice, grin still firmly in place.

"And?" Riku asked, tone dry, looking for all the world like a pissed off cat.

"Well..." The redhead drew the word out, swinging her legs below her. "Let's just say you have all of her herpes and none of my sympathies!" Kairi chirped happily, jumping down from the tree, and ran for her life before what she had said registered in Riku's mind.

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><p><strong>AN-<strong> *Not an OGC, just a name I used randomly for the person Riku slept with. FOR THE RECORD, I don't think Riku is straight. He belongs to/with Sora. He's just being straight-curious right now. (Opposite of bi-curious. XD) Review? I want to hear from you and improve my writing, since this is the first fic I've kept on my profile for so long. (I deleted all of them at some point.)

**Whole text-** You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy


	12. Disservice to Everyone

**Disclaimer-** I own nothing.

**AN-** I am sooooo sorry for not getting this up sooner, but I got distracted with a random plot bunny involving Cloud and Sephiroth that kept running around my mind so I wrote it. And then I was busy writing the first actual chapter of Lament. (It'll be up sometime today. After I have a couple people look over it.) And then a drabble with Sora and Roxas. Err. I'm loving writing, which is weird because normally I don't. Anyways. Onto the fic/drabble. Enjoy!

**Prompt-** Disservice to everyone

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><p>"...What the <em>fuck<em> happened last night," Vexen, bewildered and furious glared at Marluxia, who was grinning widely, reclining on his bed. Naked.

"Do I need to remind you...?" Marluxia asked lavisciously, reaching forward and taking hold of a lock of Vexen's hair, grin rapidly turning lewd.

The blond reacted purely on instinct, frost creeping up the arm with the hand in his hair. Marluxia shrieked in pain. He sounded as feminine as he looked when he screamed. Vexen found this exceedingly strange.

"You froze my arm! You goddamn bastard you _froze my arm_!" he shrieked this in a decible usually reserved for parades, Bring Me the Horizon mosh pits and shattering crystal. It was far too early in the morning for having to deal with this.

"Get. Out!" Vexen glared at him venomously, ice crystals forming on the blankets he was gripping in his fist, more frost creeping up Marluxia's leg now, surely rather painful for the florist. "Now," he wasn't nearly as intimidating as Saix when he snarled, but that was probably a good thing, as most people were terrified of Saix. With very good reason.

Marluxia sighed dramatically at him, flouncing about the room in an exaggeratedly annoyed way, picking up articles of clothing that had been scattered about. He glanced back at Vexen once, lewd grin once again firmly set upon his face.

"...You know. You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing all that clothing all the time," his eyes trailing down Vexen's body, the pink haired man would have been undressing him with his eyes, had the blond been wearing any clothing. Which he wasn't. It was more like he was eating the scientist with his eyes, savoring the sight like those expensive chocolates from another world that Larxene liked.

The door closed behind Marluxia just in time for three sharp icicle spears to shatter against the surface.

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><p><strong>AN-<strong> I love Marluxia. Enough said. Oh. Also, review please!

**Whole text-** You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants. (The wording may be off, I'm just writing it from memory, I forgot about it for a day or two and just remembered to write it.)


	13. Don't Cum on Anything

**Disclaimer-** I own nothing.

**AN-** This is really short, but it was funny. Plus it's all I have done right now, and I want to put somethingg up. I don't know if this fic should be rated M or not, I am talking about a shit ton of bad/adult things/themes. Anyone? What do you think?

**Prompt-** Don't cum on anything

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><p>"I can't believe it," Zexion said this in a tone that seemed to be torn between horror, disgust and outrage and was leaning more towards disgust.<p>

"I can't _believe_ it," he repeated this, sounding a little more angry than before.

Demyx glanced up from where he was sitting on their shared bed, humming absentmindedly and strumming on his sitar. "Can't believe what?" He asked confusedly. This was nothing new, the blond musician seemed to be confused a good portion of the time.

"We are never letting Roxas and Axel roomsit for us ever again. Even Larxene would have done a better job," Zexion said this huffily and sat down heavily next to Demyx, pouting. At least, pouting as much as the intellectual could, it was a very odd expression on him.

The blond gave him a bewildered look after giving the room a quick visual examination for anything out of place. "It looks exactly like we left it. And Larxene would fry all our stuff, Zex," he said hesitantly, wondering if there had been anything obvious that he had missed.

"They clearly didn't realize that when I said 'don't cum on anything', I meant everything in my room. Including furniture and scarves", he held up a wool scarf, grimasing at what it was soiled with.

"...Maybe having Larxene roomsit next time would be a better idea."

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><p><strong>AN-<strong> *giggles* I seriously love these characters. Review please?

**Whole text-** The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves

That's not technology. Doesn't count.


	14. Mind of its Own

**Disclaimer-** I own nothing.

**AN-** I am so sorry for not getting this out sooner but a lack of happiness on my part had me feeling unfunny and everything I wrote didn't feel right. Plus the next chapter of Lament is giving me hell. And a random plot bunny hit me and there is a chance that I will post a new to-be-multichaptered fic sometime this week. I'll give you a hint, it involves angels and the apocalypse. (And isn't that a strange combination.)

Also, Fuck. My. Life. I hate winter. My nose never stops bleeding. And people are like, WTF have you been snortin' duude? At least I have hot chocolate. Yum.

**Prompt-** Mind of its own

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><p>"...I think my dick has a mind of its own."<p>

In response to this fairly random, out of the blue, despondant statement from Marluxia, Larxene snorted, choked on a piece of poptart and coughed spasticly until Axel, who was sitting next to her, slapped her on the back a few times to dislodge the foodstuffs from her throat.

The two simultaniously blinked blankly at Marluxia, who seemed dejected and far more sober than he had been for a while. It was only in responce to Sober Sundays, a new decision by Xemnas. All thirteen members were contemplating mutiny.

"...What?" Axel said this with a befuddled expression that seemed to be somewhere between curiousity and _I really don't want to know what he's talking about._

The pink haired florist stared down his body at his crotch and sighed dramaticly. "There is no other explanation for this."

This time is was Larxene who voiced her confusion, poptart forgotten in her hand. "...What?" She stared at him bewilderedly, internally wondering if he had finally lost the last remains of his sanity.

"It must have tastes completely different from mine!" He sounded vaguely distressed and definitely unhappy.

Larxene and Axel exchanged worried looks. It wouldn't do to have an insane nobody with control over plants wandering around the castle freely. Although, one could say that was what Saix did, albeit with more of a temper and no control over plants. And blue hair. Marluxia's hair was not at all blue. Xemnas wouldn't be happy if there was anymore destruction to the castle. Especially destruction not caused by Saix. Saix was the Superior's favorite. Clearly.

"...What are you talking about?" Axel asked cautiously, giving the man a wary look.

Marluxia scowled at them, which was an uncharacteristic expression for him and then glared back at his crotch. "My dick. It has a mind of its own! There's no other explanation for having let Vexen of all people fuck me!" He exclaimed dramaticlly as Axel's lips formed an 'o' shape in shock and horror.

Larxene observed the frozen Axel disinterestedly. "You broke Axel. The Superior won't be very happy about that." She said mildly, not responding to what Marluxia had said, because, really, there wasn't anything in particular you could you say in response to something like that.

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><p><strong>AN-<strong> Well? Was it worth the wait? Please review! They are my...clove candies and mangos. (I have very strange eating habits. Err.)

**Whole text-** I think my dick has a mind of its own.


	15. Excessively Violent

**Disclaimer-** I own nothing.

**AN-** Goddamn fucking hells. I'm having the worst time finding time to write. And the next chapter of Lament is being a little bitch and not working for me. This took a ling time to finish, what with all the interuptions. BUT IT'S FINALLY OUT.

**Prompt-** Excessively violent

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><p>Roxas held an ice pack to a bruise forming on Axel's forehead, and was very tempted to smack him on the same place he got the bruise when he complained like a child.<p>

"Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow _owowowowow,_" that was Axel's current mantra, interspersed with some colorful curses in a surprising variety of languages. Who knew Axel was fluent in Russian and German swear words? Of course, who could have known that Zexion had such a mean right hook, either.

"Shut. _Up,_" Roxas ground out and pressed the ice onto the redheads forehead with painful force. "This is your fault anyways."

Axel smiled at him then grimased as it made his split lip bleed even more profusely. "_Aw_, come on Roxie, have a little sympathy."

The blond sitting next to him gave him a flat, annoyed look. "It's your own fault," he said this, then eyed the bleeding lip warily. "Don't bleed on the bed."

Axel drapped his body over the blond, arms wrapping around him amd ending up with his head in Roxas' lap as he pouted. "Kiss it better?" he asked in a childish voice, gingerly removing the ice pack and giving Roxas puppy eyes.

The blond in question shoved Axel off his lap onto the floor where he groaned in pain as his muscles protested the movement. He glared rather poisonously. "No," he paused and after a moments thought added, "Don't bleed on the floor either."

The fairly beat up redhead on the floor clutched at his heart, giving Roxas a faux hurt look. "Oh Roxas, you wound me!" he cried dramatically, the out of character Marluxia like behavior showing that he wasn't entirely sober. Or that he had a concussion. Or both. Maybe.

Roxas sighed, and contemplated kicking Axel in the side for a little bit of vindictive revenge. Though, that would make him whine and complain even more than he already was. He settled for a smack upside the head as he muttered about stupid redheads under his breath.

Axel wheezed with a burst of pained laughter. When he got his breathing and his hysterical giggles under control, he stated as calmlyas he could, "This, has been an excessively violent trivia night."

"...If this is what happens on trivia night, then _please_ never introduce Saix to poker."

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><p><strong>AN-<strong> Me + gambling = VERY bad. _Very_ bad.

**Whole text-** That was an excessively violent trivia night


	16. Was the Castle Swaying on Its Own

**Disclaimer-** I don't own Kingdom Hearts. I never will. More's the pity. *sigh*

**Author's Note-** ...I'm _so_ sorry. It's been a long time, almost four weeks without an update. I never thought my unhappy, unfunny slump would last that long or I'd have left you all a hiatus notice. If anyone is still reading this (and I hope you are), I'm sorry and I'll try to update this more often.

Now, I hope this was worth the very long wait! Enjoy this long awaited chapter!

**Prompt-** Was the castle swaying on its own?

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><p>"Were you having sex at about...two in the morning last night?"<p>

Demyx looked up from tuning his sitar sharply, the movement causing him to slump slightly to the right with his hand over his eyes, a pained groan spilling from his lips. "What."

There really wasn't much you could say in reply to something like what Luxord had just said. The blond gambler repeated his odd question and Zexion and Demyx shared a baffled look.

"Yeah, _uh_. What. Just. _What_?"

Speaking slowly, as though Demyx was a young child Luxord said, "You and Zexion. Did you have sex at about two last night?"

Demyx blushed something fierce, starting at his ear tips and moving down his neck in a red flush. "Uh. Yeah." he scratched the back of his neck self consciously.

"May I ask _why_?" Zexion queried in a deadpan tone from his spot beside the musician.

"Oh, no reason, except the castle was swaying very rhythmically last night," Luxord said cheerfully, smiling in a knowing way.

"Everyone was just wondering if we were all fantasticly drunk or especially high, or if it actually happened." All three options were very likely.

This time it was Zexion who blushed. It clashed horribly with his slate grey hair and it was strangely amusing to see the usually-composed scholar turn bright red with embarassment.

Neither of the pair responded, frozen staring at Luxord with identical horrified expressions on their faces.

"Either way, it was awesome." Luxord enthused, smiling even wider than before.

"...You're far to energetic and _smiley_ for having a hangover this bad." Demyx bemoaned quietly, hamds on either side of his head, looking as though he was tempted to put a paper bag over his head. Or go hide in his room. For the next two weeks. Or at least until his hangover wore off.

Which would be in the next two weeks. Hopefully.

Chuckling softly, Luxord said over his shoulder as he walked away, "I never knew Zexion was such a screamer."

The intellectual and Demyx exchanged another dismayed glance as Luxord spoke once more, in a tone that was far too bright and far too loud, "Have a nice day."

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><p><strong>AN-<strong> I will make a valiant effort to update this more frequently, but no guarentees, I often go into phases where I'm not too cheerful and everything I write is pure angst. (That is what Lament was birthed from.) Expect an update once a week.

And remember to please review, they encourage me to keep writing.

**Whole text-** Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.


	17. When I Said Shut Up I Meant It

**Disclaimer-** I don't own Kingdom Hearts.

**Author's Note-** I didn't take four weeks this time! Yay me! *throws confetti in the air* For reals now, I'm rather hyper today. Woop. The next chapter is already written, but I'm not going to post it for a few days, at least, in case I don't write anything for this for a while. That way I'll have something to post. Enjoy.

**Prompt-** When I said shut up I meant it.

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><p>"If it's any consolation, I'm very sorry."<p>

Saix snarled at him, sitting cross legged on the bed that him and Xemnas shared. Sitting criss cross applesauce on a moon and star comforter really ruined the majority of the effect of the murderous glare he was sending his silver-grey haired lover.

Xemnas handed over a gel ice pack wrapped in a Hello Kitty tea towel. Saix had claimed someone else had brought it back from off world, but he was a closeted Hello Kitty fan. It was a secret he kept very close to his heart. He'd die before he would admit the near obsession he had with the stylized white cat with the signature bow on her head.

Though the fact his Hello Kitty fetish was secret didn't change the fact he felt a little better, a little happier as he took the ice pack and pressed it to the throbbing spot on the back of his head. "You hit like a girl," he muttered, glaring at the cartoon night sky print on the navy blue bedspread.

Xemnas gave him an offended look that said to him without words; _I take that very personally, thank you very much._

Saix ignored the look as well as the uncomfortable pang it sent through his chest, choosing instead to pull the ice pack away and frown at the blood spotting the towel.

_~Need to get another one next time I'm off world._

"You know, when I said shut up I meant it."

Saix turned a glare that promised pain, and lots of it on Xemnas, that comment, after the staining of his Hello Kitty towel from a wound he had inflicted on the blue haired man was unforgivable. Well, unforgivable until the silver haired man baked him an I'm sorry chocolate cake.

_~Maybe the toaster too. The one that prints her face on the toast..._

Saix mused about Sanrio merchandise as he gave Xemnas the silent treatment.

"I'm sorry you have a bald spot now," Xemnas cast a regretful look at a clump of bright blue, day glo hair on the night table. He really did like Saix's hair. "It was necessary, though."

Saix growled deep in his chest as he tried to bore a hole through Xemnas' head with mental power alone. If looks could kill...

Maybe it would take two I'm sorry chocolate cakes before he talked to him again this time. Xemnas could sleep on the couch until then.

Saix settled back into the goosedown pillows on the bed, the expression on his face one of satisfaction. He almost winced as a twinge of pain shot through his scalp, but refrained. Weakness would ruin his reputation.

_~He's not getting any for a week._

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><p><strong>AN-<strong> Please review, they keep me writing this crack. (Because this pretty much is crack by now. At least it's funny crack...I think.)

Let me know if I'm still funny after my almost month long hiatus from this. (And let me know if anyone's even reading this. [And if I should even continue.])

**Whole text-** When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.


	18. Good Things Are Happening

**Disclaimer-** I don't own Kingdom Hearts. *sadface*

**Author's Note-** Be forewarned, this chapter has some hardcore Kairi!Bashing. It's amusing and so, so cracky. Enjoy. This is a continuation of Herpes & Sympathies since the text was too fitting to pass up. Woop.

**Prompt-** Good things are happening today.

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><p>Kairi was annoying.<p>

It was an well known, undisputable fact at Destiny Islands High School, that Kairi was very annoying.

She was really only strengthening this fact by irritating Sora, one of the nicest, most patient people on Destiny Islands. Probably the nicest and patient person on most of the worlds.

Yet still, Kairi managed to irritate him.

Maybe it was the way she was whining in that high pitched grating voice of her's.

"Do we have to go swimming today? I finished straightening my hair!"

The whining was definitely a large part of it. Sora's right eye twitching rather violently was testiment to that.

"Yes, we do. Selphie's having a beach party," Sora replied as calmly as he possibly could, tightening his grip on Kairi's wrist, continuing to forcefully pull her behind him.

_~Why is hair so important to girls?_

Sora didn't do anything with his, just let it grow into it's normal, strange spiky pattern. Most days he didn't even run a comb through it.

Kairi sighed dramatically, huffing in a suitably feminine way. "But today feels so special, with Riku getting herpes and me cleaning my room!"

Maybe another part of the annoyingness was the bitchy vindictive satisfaction she recieved from other people's troubles.

Sora's hand tightened it's grip on her wrist again, this time squeezing painfully so that the bones in her hand creaked audibly and she squirmed, pulling and trying to get away. "Riku has herpes?" Sora's voice had a dark dangerous undertone that only Kairi could manage to bring to it.

The redhead in question blinked her pretty blue's at him with doe eyed innocence. "Didn't you hear? He caught them from Alison," she spoke sweetly, pink lips curling up into an evil smirk that didn't match her tone of voice in the least.

She pried her hand out of Sora's crushing grip, reached up and placed a hand on his shoulder. Her slightly sadistic smirk melted into a sympathetic expression. "No one told you?"

Sora glared at her, brushed her hand off in a completely un-Sora-like way and took a few steps back. "On second thought, maybe you shouldn't come to the party," he said in a forced polite tone.

Although Kairi felt very tempted to shriek and stamp her foot angrily, she refrained. She found this a great exersise of self control.

It was a good thing too, it would have upped her annoying factor by ten or more annoying points.

"But good things are happening today!" she called after Sora's retreating back. "It's a good day!" she screeched.

Yes, it was a well known amd undesputible fact throughout Destiny Islands, that Kairi was very, very annoying.

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><p><strong>AN-<strong> This was a bit of a reward for me, since I'm trying not to bash Kairi in one of my other stories (Letters to Riku). Since I'm refraining from bashing in that, I thought I deserved some well earned Kairi!bashing.

Please review, I love feedback. I want feedback. I can't improve without it. (Reviews also keep me writing this crack.)

**Whole text-** But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.


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